


Is It Me You're Looking For?

by SingingInTheRaiin



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Low Self-Esteem, M/M, Nightmares, Non-Linear Narrative, PTSD, Poor Bucky Barnes, Poor Tony Stark, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Steve just wants everyone to be happy, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark is Good, Torture, at least in the bits relevant to these two, technically, this goes through brief glimpses of the mcu, your soulmate's initials on your wrist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 07:12:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18361166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SingingInTheRaiin/pseuds/SingingInTheRaiin
Summary: Two men, in two different times, meant to be together. If only there weren't so many damn obstacles in the way, including their own stubborn selves.





	Is It Me You're Looking For?

It was time. He’d fought against it for so long, but now they were past the point of no return, and there was nothing left that Tony could do to stop this from happening. He’d always tried to convince himself that if he just didn’t care, it would never happen. Maybe on some level, way deep down inside, he’d even thought that he’d be dead long before he could reach this point in time.

But now here he was. It was three minutes until midnight, which would mark the start of his eighteenth birthday, and the end of life as he knew it. As soon as that one stupid mark appeared on his skin, there would be way too many people who would try it claim that it belonged to them. Who wouldn’t want to get in on a multi-billion dollar company if they could? 

To Tony, this felt like a death sentence. It marked the end of his freedom. He would have to be so careful, to avoid being seen so that no one would be able to use it against him. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey he’d been drinking from, and chugged down the last bit of it. There was no way that he could go into this sober.

He closed his eyes, and took in a deep breath. The alarm he’d set went off, and the moment that it did, Tony could feel a slight tingling sensation on his wrist. He refused to open his eyes for several long seconds, waiting for the weird feeling to go away before he finally dared to look. ‘J.B.B’ written out in a messy scrawl. 

Tony’s shoulders slumped down, and he couldn’t help thinking that this all felt just a bit anticlimactic after everything he’d built it up to be in his his head. Especially when it occurred to him that the color of the initials was dark red. Which meant that they were dead. After getting Tony so worked up about what was going to happen, it turned out that his soulmate had already died long before getting the chance to meet Tony. That made them the lucky one of the pair, then.

There was a soft knock on the bathroom door, and Tony heaved himself up from where he’d been sitting sprawled on the tile floor next to the sink. He left the bottle behind, since it was empty anyways, and then opened the door just a sliver so that he could peer up at Rhodey. His roommate had a tired look on his face, and was wearing his pajamas, which meant that he’d most likely just woken up. Maybe he’d even set his own alarm because he knew how obsessive Tony would be about this. Tony tilted his head to the side. “May I help you with something, Honeybear?”

Rhodey arched one eyebrow. “Well? What does it say?” His question was punctuated by a yawn, and Tony felt bad for making the man get up at this time when he had an eight a.m. class that he should be asleep for. 

Tony silently held out his affected wrist, and Rhodey looked at it curiously without actually touching Tony’s hand or arm. Then he reached back to flip the lightswitch for the main part of the room so that he could actually see, and Tony could see the instant that the red color registered, and Rhodey’s face set into a look of pity.

Tony snatched his arm back, and crossed both of them over his chest. “This is a good thing,” he snapped. “I didn’t want to be tied down to anyone, and now I’m not. Problem solved.”

He could tell from the way that Rhodey was looking at him that his friend didn’t believe him. Damn him for actually caring so much. “I’m sorry if that’s what you think I’m feeling, but honestly, it’s not.” He hesitated for a moment before continuing. “Regardless of whether you think that this is a good thing or not, there are support groups for people who’ve lost their soulmate-”

“I don’t need support. I haven’t lost anything if they were dead before I even met them. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve heard that there’s a pretty wild party going down at Pi Kap, and I could really use a pick-me-up right now.”

,,,

Bucky was practically dragging his feet across the ground as he walked over to Steve. They both knew how much he’d been looking forward to today, when he would wake up with his soulmate’s initials. Steve was looking at him expectantly, and then Bucky finally let out a loud sigh, and then held out both wrists, showing that they were both empty.

Steve knew him too well, and grabbed both of Bucky’s wrists. “It’s not big deal. It just means that your mate hasn’t turned eighteen yet. So you’re going to be a couple years older than her. It’s not a problem. We both know that there’s nobody who goes their entire life without ever getting any initials.” 

Maybe not yet, but Bucky couldn’t help feeling as though he had the luck of someone who would be the first to just not have a soulmate. But he couldn’t help feeling at least slightly uplifted by Steve’s optimism. Though maybe it was easy for Steve to sound so cheerful, since his mark had appeared as soon as he turned eighteen a few months back. Bucky had teased him about being into older woman, though truthfully, he was happy for his brother, and hoped that Steve would find his M.C. soon. 

They ended up going for ice-cream, and Steve insisted on paying even though he really didn’t have the money to spare, and Bucky was reminded to be grateful for who he already had in his life. He enjoyed the rest of the day, though as he went to sleep that night, Bucky couldn’t help holding both of his arms up over his head, staring at his blank wrists. Steve was more religious than he was, but Bucky sent out a small prayer that he would get his soulmate soon.

,,,

Tony wondered if maybe he should be weirded out by the fact that he woke up one day to see that the initials on his wrist had shifted from the red of death to the black of a living, breathing mate. He watched curiously, and a few hours later, it went back to red. Maybe he’d just taken some bad shit at the latest party he’d crashed, because he couldn’t think of any other explanation.

He watched it carefully, and when it happened again a few weeks later, Tony decided to begin keeping a log of all the times that the color changed to black. It didn’t feel like anything when it happened, so he couldn’t help wondering if he missed any of those times. As a scientist, he hated the idea of not gathering all of the data available, but the rest him felt more indifferent. It was just about his soulmate, so did he even really care?

The only reason he wanted to figure out what was going on was because he needed to make sure that he himself wasn’t dying of some kind of weird disease that changes soulmate initials back and forth from red to black to red. Though there was no evidence of this happening very often at all.

The closest Tony found was a couple of stories about people whose soulmates were badly injured, and technically died before they were revived. When he found a particular story about a couple living in California, he headed out on a road trip to find them. One of the mates was in the hospital in a coma, and had been there for three years already. The other one said that her writing had turned red, but that she still believed her wife was alive and could wake up someday.

At first she didn’t want to talk to Tony, but then once she realized who she was, she seemed more than eager to converse with him on the topic of soulmates. She seemed to have gotten it into her head that she could somehow be the person who made sure that Tony Stark was able to meet his soulmate.

In the end, she didn’t say anything that was much help, since she didn’t experience a constant changing of colors for random periods of time, but as he left, he left his details with the front desk, and told the receptionist to forward the woman’s bill to him instead. It’s not like he’d even notice the money missing, and the woman hadn’t actually asked anything of him.

,,,

Heading out to the warfront was lonely. It was the first time that he was going to be so far away from home. So far from his mom, and his sister, and his best friend. A lot of the other guys were proudly showing off their initials, saying how they knew that they had someone to be fighting for. When asked, the majority of them had yet to actually meet their mate, but that didn’t stopper their enthusiasm at all.

Making his way through all of the training was surprisingly easy, and Bucky did find himself making new friends. Though he always missed Steve, and couldn’t help laughing to himself at the thought of the scrappy little blonde going head to head with some nazis. Maybe he should be invited to join the effort despite his size and lack of muscle, because surely he’d be able to shame the enemy into giving up.

One of the other men threw a boot at Bucky’s leg. “What’re you laughing about over there?”

Bucky sighed, and then stood up to stretch his arms up over his head. “Just thinking about my friend.”

A different man snickered. “Oh, right, yer husband, yeah? Ye always sound so lovestruck when ye talk about ‘im.”

Bucky just rolled his eyes, but didn’t try to start a fight, because he knew that that wouldn’t end well for either of them. And in the end, it was the same teasing he and Steve had always done to each other, just a bit cruder in its content, so it didn’t bother him all that much. He just laughed it off, and then walked over to chat with some of the soldiers who were less likely to tease.

A few hours later, everyone was cheering as the mail was brought in, and everybody began rummaging through the pile of letters to find whichever ones were addressed to them. Bucky held back until the room had cleared out a little bit, and then found two for him, one from his mom and sister, and one from Steve. 

He went back to the tent to open them up. His mother and sister seemed to be doing well, and his sister was excited about having aced a spelling test at school. He smiled fondly at the thought of her proud little grin. Then he set that letter down to open the one from Steve. This one had his frowning more and more as he got through it.

‘Chosen for a special project’, ‘top secret’, ‘helping the war effort’, ‘doing my part’, ‘more than just collecting tin cans’, ‘make you proud’, ‘can’t wait to see you on the front lines’. Bucky had to force himself to unclench his hand so that he wouldn’t be crumpling up the letter, and he reread it a couple of times, still not feeling like he understood it any better than he had the first time through. 

But there wasn’t time to think on it for any longer, because he and the rest of his squad were being told to pack their things and get ready to head out within the hour. They’d be going up against real enemies now, and not just the training bags and fake targets from boot camp. Bucky wouldn’t say that he was scared, but he could feel his stomach twisting in little nervous knots at the thought of marching into battle. It was for all the people he loved, though, and for the blank spot that would hopefully someday contain some initials. 

,,,

Tony laughed as he kicked Rhodey out of the ‘fun-vee’. He knew that his friend was only worried about him, but he couldn’t let himself look weak in front of these other soldiers. Rhodey was amazing and the light of his life, and all that good stuff, but he also had a way of talking to Tony that made him feel like a child, and he didn’t want to look young and naive in front of these men and women who were looking up to him for providing them with weapons that were keeping them safe and well-prepared.

But as he heard gunfire and mini missiles flying all around him, Tony felt terrified. Was this going to be the moment he died? Some kind of bad karma for all the shit he’d ever done in his life? If that was the case, he’d much rather have Rhodey by his side, but unfortunately, it seemed like he’d already sent away the only person capable of protecting him.

Waking up in a cave with a magnet in his chest hooked up to a car battery definitely felt like Tony had woken up in hell itself. Surely he couldn’t still be alive, could he? He felt like there was cotton in his ears as the constant demands came for him to build a big bomb for them, but he felt like he was moving too slowly. Like every time he tried to move, he had to push through a thick curtain of something that was not at all pliable.

He came up with a plan, first putting into effect a theoretical idea that was barely functional on a much larger scale. But he succeeded, with some help from his fellow captive, and Tony felt like he was riding high on success. When was the last time he’d actually built something of his own? Sure, he had his Jarvis and the bots, but other than working on occasional updates for them, he’d been too busy to actually get into a creative mode. It felt good, despite the situation it had to happen in.

But all of that good feeling disappeared the moment he made a promise to a dying man, and Yinsen trembled as he rolled up his sleeve, showing the red initials there. His mate was already dead, and he coughed out that his children were as well. Tony could feel the tears building up in him, but he forced them back. He didn’t have time to cry now. Maybe later he would, but right now, he needed to focus on getting the hell out of here so that he could begin to keep his promise to the man who’d saved him. 

,,,

Being tortured by Hydra mostly passed by in a blur of psychedelic colors and sounds and mostly made Bucky feel like he was on some intense drugs. Not that he would know, of course, because he’d been too poor to afford those kinds of things even if he’d wanted them, which he obviously didn’t. 

And it felt like between one blink and next, he was being rescued by a tall blonde. He had to rub at his eyes to make sure that there was nothing in them before taking another look. But it was just like he’d seen it at first. Like looking at Steve in a funhouse mirror. He mumbled something insanely witty, and then leaned heavily on Steve’s shoulder as they made their way out of the base.

Eventually they returned to the nearest army camp, and there was a victorious cheer among them as they all greeted Steve and clapped, and reached out to pat him boisterously on the shoulder. After Bucky had been settled into a temporary hospital tent, he reached up to grab Steve’s sleeve to stop him from walking away. “We have a lot to talk about, punk,” he warned before letting go. Steve gave him a sheepish look before hurrying off to make a report about what had happened. 

Bucky grinned as he watched his best friend hurry off. He had been saved, he was here now with his best friend, and Steve looked healthier than Bucky had ever seen him before. Brushing aside his memories of the torture, Bucky decided that life was pretty good right now. 

,,,

Tony was one of the richest and smartest men alive, but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out a way to stop obsessing. When he woke from violent nightmares, of Afghanistan, of his childhood, or of monsters conjured by his mind, he would go into the bathroom and peel off his sweaty shirt, and then just stare at himself in the mirror. Stare at the bright blue night light in the center of his chest, and the disgusting gnarled scars spreading out from it. 

He was not going to tear it out, though at times it felt somewhat tempting after a particularly bad dream. Tony reached up to brush his fingers lightly against the outside of the casing. It looked so small and innocent from here, and not like something that was working to keep him alive.

He let out a choked sobbing noise, and then reached up to clamp one hand over his mouth to try and keep the pathetic noises inside. Even if Jarvis was the only one around to witness it, Tony hated the idea that he was weak now. He took a few stumbling steps back until he slammed his back against the glass door of his shower, and then slid it open with trembling hands as he got in, still wearing his sweatpants. 

Tony turned the water on to just above freezing, and as soon as the first drops hit his face, he felt like he was right back in that goddamn cave. He let out a startled yelp, and then sank down to the floor and curled up, pulling his knees to his chest and resting his face on top of his knees. He could feel the cold water pouring down on him, but he was barely even aware of the uncomfortable temperature.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed before the shower shut off, and Jarvis’ concerned voice echoed through the bathroom. “Sir, if you remain where you are, you will be putting yourself at risk of catching hypothermia.”

Tony looked up, feeling sore all over. “Right. Thanks.” He slowly got to his feet, and was grateful that the last dregs of his nightmare had been washed away. Tony peeled off his sweats and flung them somewhere out of view, and then filled the tub with warm water to sink down into.

Once he felt more human, Tony got out, wrapped a towel around his waist, and headed for the penthouse bar. It was easy to grab a bottle from one of the shelves, and after a moment of hesitation, he grabbed a glass instead of just chugging straight from the bottle. He reached up to rub a hand over his face. What the hell had his life come to?

,,,

The air seemed to be sucked right out of Bucky’s lungs as he fell. He could see Steve for just a second, and then the blonde man and the train both got smaller and smaller until Bucky ended up shifted enough that he could only see the bright blue sky above him. He decided that it was a pretty enough sight to see before dying.

But then it turned out that he wasn’t dead, and he was back in Hydra’s hands, though he was an arm short. Every minute of every day felt like a constant fight to survive, and keep himself unbroken. But they’d gotten better at this since the last time he’d been strapped to their tables, and Bucky knew that it wouldn’t be long before it was all over for him. He could only hope that Steve would find him and rescue him again. His best friend would never give up on him, right?

,,,

“Tony?” Pepper’s voice called out. Tony looked up from the suit that was partially dismantled from around him, and her eyes widened as she took in the entire sight.

Tony shot her a wry grin. “Let’s be honest, this isn’t the worst thing you’ve walked in on me doing.”

Pepper didn’t seem to see any humor in the situation as she walked closer, and reached out, fingers just shy of touching the shiny metal exterior. “Are those bullet holes?”

He eventually managed to talk her into calming down, and trusting that he knew what he was doing, though Tony found that to be one of his greatest feats yet, considering the fact that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing. He hoped that the old mantra of ‘fake it til you make it’ would work in this case.

But once Pepper was gone, and Tony was going over the designs to see what could be improved, and what needed to be changed, he paused to turn away from the holographic plans so that he could look at the physical model instead. He ran his hands over the bullet holes, and a shudder ran through him. “If the suit wasn’t strong enough, these would have all hit me,” he whispered.

“Indeed, Sir. Which is why, if you intend to continue with this, it is imperative that you ensure that your suit is as strong as it can possibly be.”

Tony wrapped his arms around himself, breathing heavily, and he could feel the drag of the arc reactor against his skin with each breath. “Yeah. Excellent idea, J. Let’s make this even better.”

,,,

The Asset watched with dull eyes as he was fitted with a new arm. He was told of its various features, and about how it was much stronger and more durable than an arm made of flesh and blood. The attachment was painful, but the Asset didn’t flinch even once. He knew better than to show any weakness.

After several trials to make sure that he could properly utilize the arm, the Asset was put through much more training. He was eventually declared fit for the field, and sent out on his first assignment. It started out okay, but once the Asset was actually standing in front of his target, holding out a gun and listening to the man’s whimpering, the Asset took a slight stumbling step back.

He couldn’t just murder a man in cold blood. He swallowed down the bile that rose in his throat. He needed- he needed to get out of here. He needed- Steve! He needed to find Steve, and everything would be fixed, and-

,,,

Obi walking away seemed to leave a loud echoing sound behind. Tony wanted to cry, but he was frozen in place. He wanted to scream or shout or flail his limbs around, but it was all the same problem. 

His entire life, Tony had barely ever let anyone in. He could thank Howard for his closed off self, having been taught from a young age that there was no point in thinking that he could actually rely on anyone other than himself. But Tony had been stupid, and had let himself start to think that it was possible after all. And now he felt like an idiot for ever believing such a thing. For ever thinking that anyone would actually care about him, and stay around him for no personal gain. 

The older version of the arc reactor that Pepper had gifted him was what saved his life, though after snapping it in, Tony couldn’t help pausing for a moment, and wondering if he should even continue on. This was all his fault, wasn’t it? He was the one who made all the weapons that Obi had sold to terrorists. He was the one who had given Obi the information needed to build his own Iron Man suit, and his trust in the man was what had given Obi his very own arc reactor to work with.

Rhodey noticed Tony’s hesitation, and put a hand on his shoulder. “Tony-”

Tony shrugged aside the hand. “Come on, let’s go.”

,,,

The Asset didn’t have many memories of his own, but he did know that waking up from cryo did not usually feel like this. As he rose to his feet, he ran an internal diagnostic to make sure that every part of his body was primed and ready to go. He paused when he saw something that was different.

Different was bad, but the Asset needed to know what had been added to his body, in case it held any relevance to his missions. On his flesh wrist, there was black ink spelling out ‘A.E.S.’ and the Asset had no idea what that was supposed to mean. It looked like a tattoo, but didn’t have the slight raised feeling of one. It was flat and smooth, as if it had been part of his skin all along.

Well, whatever it was, Hydra wouldn’t have put it there if it wasn’t important. The Asset headed down the hallway to the room where he always went to receive his missions. At first nothing was wrong, but then one of the technicians grabbed the Asset’s hand and held it up for the others to see. “I thought he had no mark!” they hissed out.

The others all began flipping through files and muttering under their breaths. “He was blank when he was eighteen!”

A different one made a face of disgust. “His mate is supposed to be fifty years younger than him? That’s so messed up.”

One of the others swatted that one in the arm. “It doesn’t matter, because the Asset is never going to get the chance to meet his mate.”

There was a scoff of disbelief. “There could be a million A.E.S’s in the world, and you think that he’s somehow going to avoid any of them? I mean, obviously we’d never be foolish enough to send him after a target with those initials, but that doesn’t negate all the risk.”

“Why does it matter anyways? The Asset is the Asset now, and does not care about relationships.”

“You really want to risk it and see if a soulmate connection would be what changes everything? No, we need to take care of this now before it even becomes a problem. We don’t know when in the past four months that mark appeared, which means we can’t reasonably track down the mate, so we’ll have to take care of things on this end.” She went over to a drawer and yanked it open, revealing several shiny scalpels. She pulled one out, along with some rubbing alcohol and a gauze pad, and marched over to where the Asset was still standing, unmoving. She grabbed at his hand and ordered him to hold completely still, and then she dabbed some of the rubbing alcohol on the scalpel before slicing into the Asset’s wrist.

She was careful to take just enough skin to remove the initials, and then taped the gauze over the lightly bleeding wound. She gave a satisfied nod to her colleagues, and then walked away. One of the other technicians let out a nervous chuckle. “Ah, you know women. Always so impulsive. But I think in this case she made the right decision.” Then he turned to look at the Asset. “Now, as for your next mission…”

,,,

Tony had been in a lot of press conferences in his life, and most of them were pretty exhausting. For a while, he’d thought that the one where he declared that Stark Industries would stop making weapons would be the worst, but this one took the cake. He could feel Pepper’s disapproval, along with Agent’s, but he just couldn’t help himself. The idea of going out there and letting some nameless, faceless person take the credit for the one good thing Tony had ever done in his life? It was just too unacceptable.

He didn’t regret it, of course. He still thought that being honest with the world about his identity was the right thing to do. But right now, as he pressed his forehead against the glass of one of the penthouse windows and looked down at the sidewalk and all the tiny ant people below him, he just felt so tired.

Eventually, Jarvis let him know that Pepper was coming up, and he straightened up and brushed some imaginary lint off of his nice suit. He waited for the ding of the elevator, and then walked over to Pepper with a wide smile. “Ah, my beautiful lady. Love of my life, light of my eyes, apple of my soul.”

Pepper arched one eyebrow in that rather intimidating way she had, and then gave Tony a kiss on the cheek. “We need to talk. There’s going to be a lot of backlash from your announcement, and…” she trailed off, and pointed to Tony’s arm. “What’s that?”

Tony had taken his jacket off and rolled up his sleeves once he’d gotten back to the tower, even though he knew that this kind of material really shouldn’t be crumpled up like that. He followed Pepper’s gaze, and saw where his soulmate’s initials were resting, and that they were black. He’d almost forgotten that he’d already taken off the traditional mourning band that he always wore out in public. It was just easier to keep the mark hidden, and it was pretty taboo for anyone to not respect someone’s mourning band. 

Tony sighed, and tilted his head back. “J, make a record of this. Black ink today.” Pepper was giving Tony one of those looks that meant he’d better start explaining himself soon or else. “Look, I don’t know exactly what it means, but when I first got the mark on my eighteenth birthday, it was red. Which leaves no doubt that whoever my mate was, they were already dead before we even had the chance to meet. But over the years, I’ve noticed that for bizarre intervals, it would go black again, and then go back to red. I have no clue what it means, and since it’s red most of the time, I figured that it was just easiest to tell the world that they’re dead. And they must be, or else it wouldn’t be red, right?”

But apparently Pepper had no more clue about the mystery of Tony’s mark than he did, and she cleared her throat and decided to move on to the topic she’d originally come to talk about. “We need to discuss the future of your country, Mr. Stark.”

,,,

The Asset was leaned back against a tree, and was waiting casually for the target to drive by. It should be a fairly easy and by the numbers operation, and though the Asset always kept one eye out for anything that hadn’t been predicted, he wasn’t too concerned that anything would get in his way here. It was the middle of the night on a barely used road, and any other cars that came by would be allowed to just keep driving without an issue.

While he waited, the Asset looked down at his flesh arm. He rolled his sleeve up and pulled down the edge of his glove to look at the patch of marred skin there. Every time he woke up from cryo, the technicians in charge of him would slice away at that one piece, and every time, he woke up, he would see the faint outline of letters through the scarring. He traced one metal finger over the three letters, and found himself wondering what they meant, as he often did when he had free time.

Clearly it wasn’t something Hydra had put there, or they wouldn’t be so eager to remove it, and so angry whenever they saw that it had returned. But then he heard the sound of tires over gravel, and immediately shifted into a better position to be ready to attack. When the car came into view, he saw that it was the one he was looking forward, and he stepped out into the middle of the road, ready to get to work.

,,,

“I don’t work well with others,” Tony tried to explain to his new assistant. Though he wasn’t sure how well he was getting the point across with how much he was slurring. He normally wouldn’t get this drink, at least not off of the amount he’d consumed, but something about the poisoning in his blood made it a lot easier to get totally wasted, despite the tolerance that he’d built up over decades. “It’s better this way. They usually don’t like me ‘cause I’m smarter than the them.”

The woman raised one eyebrow, but it wasn’t as impressive as Pepper’s, and thinking about that made Tony miss Pepper even more. He must’ve said that out loud, because the assistant crossed her arms over her chest. “You still see Pepper all the time.”

“It’s not the same. She’s too good for me. She should never have been a PA. She should’ve been a CEO from the beginning.” He reached out to grab at the still half-full bottle, but accidentally knocked it over instead, and let out a disappointed cry as the bottle smashed against the ground and the liquid spilled out from it. 

He reached out to try and press his hands against the mess, as if he could soak up the alcohol, but his assistant quickly snatched his wrist and yanked his arm back before he could get a bunch of shattered glass jammed into his palm. “You’re a mess,” she told him sternly. “You need some serious help, Mr. Stark.”

Tony shrugged. “What does it matter?” He was dying anyways, and nothing he did now was going to stop that. The one thing keeping him alive was also killing him, and it was pointless to try and figure out how to fix it. It was an impossible situation, and everyone was mad at him, and Tony wished that the poison would just speed up a bit so that he could be done already, and no longer have to live with the constant of suspense of wondering which day would be his last one. He lolled his head back, and reached up to pat his arc reactor. “I’m already dead, I think.”

,,,

The Asset felt shocks running up and down his entire body, but couldn’t figure out what was causing it. He shoved open the door to his cryo unit, and didn’t stop to wonder why it hadn’t already been opened if he’d been woken up for a mission.

He stumbled around the room for a moment, trying to figure out why he felt so weird. And then he looked down at his arm, and saw that the letters normally printed there had become a dark red color. The Asset had no idea what that meant, but some part of him screamed out that this was terrible, and that he needed to go and figure out more about it.

The Asset knew that he couldn’t just walk right out through the front door, but he knew his way around the compound well enough to make a plan and sneak out. Since it seemed as though no one in particular had woken the Asset up from cryo, there was no one waiting for him to report to them, which would hopefully give him enough time to get away without being noticed.

As the Asset was a few steps from freedom, but more importantly, a few steps away from figuring out what was going on, but then he paused when he saw that the letters had gone black again, and the feeling of panic and unrest in him began to settle down. He could have kept moving forward, but because of his hesitation, the Asset was quickly caught, and he let himself be brought back to the chair, understanding that he had broken the rules. But even as they strapped him in, the Asset kept looking at his wrist, reassuring himself that it was black, even though he had no idea why he should even care.

,,,

So that had really just happened, then. Tony had worked with an old legend, two spies, a god, and a rage monster to stop the world from an alien invasion. When he’d first taken up the mantle of Iron Man, he’d had no idea that anything like this would be happening. Not to say that he’d do anything differently if it had known, but still, it was certainly a trip. 

And now he was actually extending invitations to all of these bags of crazy, as if them all living in a contained space was going to help maintain any of their sanity. But Tony actually hoped that at least some of them would take them up on the offer. As much as he loved Jarvis, he couldn’t help feeling a little lonely for actual human contact sometimes. Or at least as close to human as the Avengers were. It actually made him feel a bit self-conscious, knowing that he was the weakest link on the team.

When Jarvis told him he had visitors, Tony waited curiously by the elevator. The doors slid open, revealing Natasha. He forgave her for pretending to be his assistant, because she did actually help save his life, even if her report about him had been a bit hurtful. “Clint’s in the vents”, she told him, as if it were just an ordinary thing to say when entering someone’s home for the first time. 

The others trickled in over the next couple of weeks, and Tony took great joy in showing off the floors that he had personalized for each of them. And even though they weren’t a particularly emotional bunch, he could tell that they appreciated it. Well, they didn’t run away screaming, at the very least, which was about as much as Tony could expect from this crowd. But he liked having them here anyways. It made him feel just a little bit less alone, though it did nothing to make his nightmares happen any less frequently.

,,,

The Asset felt weird looking at the blonde chasing after him. Of the two of them, the Asset was the only one covering his face, but he somehow felt far too exposed. At some point during their tussle, the Asset’s face wrap was torn away, and the blonde let out a loud gasp. “Bucky?”

The Asset didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, but the recognition and hope in the other man’s face made him feel more uncomfortable than his programming was supposed to allow for. So he decided to turn and run away. His target had already been eliminated, and if he took too much damage fighting this man, he’d get in trouble with his handler. 

He returned to his temporary base, and tried not to think too hard about why that fight had made him feel so off-balance. It wasn’t just because the blonde was strong- he’d encountered plenty of people in the past who could go head to head with him, especially the other Winter Soldiers. It was mostly the way the man had looked at him that made him feel so awkward, and he didn’t like it at all. The Asset resolved not to encounter that blonde again, because he was sure that it would do no good for anybody.

,,,

Tony knew that he had a problem. Hell, anybody who spent longer than five minutes in a room with him could tell that he had a problem. But part of the problem was that Tony just didn’t care that he had it. As he tipped back a glass for yet another drink- having long ago lost count of how many he’d had- he noticed that the writing on his wrist was black. Tony furrowed his eyebrows for a moment. “J, how long has it been black?”

There was a moment for J to review all the tower footage, and then he responded. “It has been red for the past twenty-three days.”

Tony suddenly leaned forward, letting the front legs of the stool he was perched on slam into the ground. “That’s like two days before all that shit in D.C, right?” He didn’t need Jarvis’ confirmation, because it was something he’d already known. It had been haunting him ever since he’d been sent a discreet package from Natasha that he was supposed to decode, and then try and catch all of the leaked information that would actually bring harm to innocent people. 

He knew that he could have been of a lot of help during that whole operation, but no one had ever thought to call him throughout it, and Tony knew why. Nobody could trust him, and they couldn’t trust that he’d be able to actually get the job done. And he couldn’t blame them, not really. Hell, he could barely even trust himself. And there was the part where he’d been stupid enough to think that he and Cap were starting to be pretty close friends, only for it to turn out that his childhood friend was more important. Tony had offered to assist in the search after Shield had crashed down around them, but Steve had insisted that it was something he had to do himself. Tony knew that that was just the polite way of telling him to back off before he messed everything up, just like he always did.

So Tony gulped down another drink, because he didn’t know what the hell else he was supposed to do. Everyone seemed to have migrated out of the tower over the past year, and Tony was left with only memories of the short amount of time where everything had seemed as close to perfect as he could get. He should have known that he wouldn’t be able to keep it, though. Tony was a curse, and everything that he was around died. Even his soulmate, over and over again.

Tony looked at the black scrip. Whoever this JBB was, they were lucky to have never been forced to actually meet with Tony and complete their connection. As Tony traced over the letters, he suddenly slammed his glass down onto the metal table in front of him. It had been flickering between black and red for as long as he could remember, but had been just black since just before Steve’s encounter with his old friend. It seemed too crazy to be true, and yet Tony couldn’t deny that he was at least a little bit curious to find out his soulmate’s identity for sure.

He opened Steve’s file, and found mention of his childhood best friend, James Buchanan Barnes, aka the Winter Soldier. Someone who had spent years in cryo with only small periods of wakefulness so that he could head out on missions. Tony began grabbing at what little data they’d gotten on the Winter Soldier, and compared the mission dates to the times Tony had logged his mark turning black. Plenty of them were missing, but of the ones that he could find, they all matched up perfectly.

Tony blinked a few times, and then let out a loud laugh. “What are the odds that my soulmate was born fifty years before me, but was preserved over time so he’d still be young and hot by the time we met?” Then his shoulders slumped down. “Not that it matters. He’s a lot better off without me. He’s already going to be dealing with so much, trying to recover from seventy years of brainwashing. He didn’t need the knowledge that he had a screw-up of a soulmate on top of everything else.

,,,

The longer he was away from the chair, the more memories he was able to recover. None of them were completely solid images, more just brief flashes here and there, but they were a hell of a lot more than he’d ever thought he’d have. He remembered that his name was Bucky, but it felt somehow wrong to call himself that when he had so much blood on his hands, and was such a different person now. He didn’t feel like Bucky anymore.

He decided to go by James, at least until something better came up. And a few days after visiting the Captain America memorial in D.C, James remembered the existence of soulmates. It wasn’t much, though, so he looked it up online to do as much research as he could. He had no idea when the initials had appeared on his wrist, since what he could remember of his time with Hydra was all blurred together, and definitely didn’t feel like seventy separate, distinct years. 

Every now and then, James would look down at the initials, just to remind himself that they were there. That there was someone in this world who was meant to be his, despite everything that he’d done, and everything he’d been through. Though he couldn’t help being slightly worried. What if he was too irredeemable for his mate? Or what if his mate accepted him because they were just as evil as he was? He wasn’t sure which outcome scared him more.

After traveling around the country and learning as much as he could about his past from second-hand sources, James decided to finally stop and let Steve catch up to him. He wasn’t sure how the blonde would take it, knowing that the friend he’d lost wasn’t the same man who was alive today, but he knew that if anyone would be able to give him more answers, it would be Steve.

Their encounter was less awkward than James had been expecting, and the two of them sat down on the edge of the bed in the motel room that James had rented. Steve took a deep breath in and slowly let it out, clearly ready to bravely start the conversation, but then he noticed James’ arm, and he paused for a moment. “You got your mark,” he said softly. 

James followed the direction of Steve’s eyes to the initials. “Yeah,” he grunted out, not sure what else there was to say about it.

But the way Steve was staring made James feel like maybe Steve knew something about it. It seemed like it would be far too much of a coincidence, but he gave Steve one of his more intimidating looks, silently willing the blonde to start talking. And it actually seemed to work. “I think I recognize that handwriting,” he said hesitantly. “I know someone with the initials AES whose writing looks like that.” He paused for a moment before giving James a gentle smile. “You did always have a thing for sarcastic brunets.”

,,,

At Jarvis’ sudden announcement that there were visitors to the workshop, Tony sat up, and ended up smacking his head against the underside of the metal table he’d been in the middle of screwing a bolt into. The loose leg had been starting to annoy him, mostly because the notebooks he’d stuffed underneath to keep it steady had turned out to contain something he needed, and he’d had to pull them all free and blow the dust off of them.

Then he scooted out and stood up, brushing some dirt from the back of his pants, even though he knew that he was definitely covered in too much grime for his appearance to be salvageable without a long hot shower. The glass doors to the ‘shop slid open, and Steve walked in. “Hey Tony.”

Tony’s eyes widened. “You said that you wouldn’t be coming back here until you found Barnes.”

Steve nodded. “And it’s still the truth. He uh, he goes by James now, actually.” Then Steve reached up to scratch at the back of his head. “There’s something I have to tell you, Tony. Before you decide whether or not you want to let James stay here. And we’ll both understand completely if you don’t want him around, but please at least keep in mind that the things he did as the Winter Soldier weren’t really him.”

Tony narrowed his eyes. “Okay…? What is it?” He could feel a nervousness in his belly. Had Steve figured out the possibility that Tony and James were soulmates? But why would that have him looking so apprehensive? Despite the time period he’d grown up in, Steve had never seemed particularly homophobic, and besides that, most of the time same-sex relationships based on a soulmate connection weren’t treated with the same disdain as those that were more freely chosen. 

Steve closed his eyes for a moment, and had his hands clasped tightly behind his back. “I didn’t want you to have to hear this from anyone else, or under any less savory circumstances, so here it goes: Buc- James was the one sent by Hydra to kill your parents, it wasn’t just a drunk driving accident.”

That was the last thing Tony had ever expected to hear. His eyes widened, and he went to sink down onto the nearest stool, only it wasn’t as close as he thought it was, and he ended up almost slipping straight to the ground. Luckily for him, Steve had quick enough reflexes to reach out and steady him. Then he gently pushed Tony down onto where the stool actually was, and gave the genius a concerned look.

Tony clenched his jaw, and gulped a couple of times as he tried to process the news. “It was brainwashing, right?” Steve nodded once, and Tony sighed, then looked down at his hands. “It was so easy to blame my dad. I already blamed him for all the other shit in my life, so it just made sense to me that he’d be the one to take away one of the only people who actually cared about me back then.”

“I’m so sorry about your mother, Tony.” 

Since the Avengers had gotten together, Tony had explained to Steve bit by bit what his childhood was like, so that he could understand why Tony hated Howard so much, and why it had taken him some time to figure out that he didn’t blame Steve for taking Howard’s attention away. But he hadn’t mentioned his mother very often. Even Tony wasn’t really sure how he felt about her. He had a few really good memories with Maria, but far more memories of her watching silently as Howard lashed out, and being more concerned with her social life than her family. 

Tony shook his head once. “I’m not talking about her. Ana Jarvis. She was in the car that night. Nobody ever talks about her, because she was just one of Howard’s employees, and so the world wouldn’t see it as tragic and big of a story to put into the news. But I… I know that it wasn’t really James. I just… show him to your floor, and let him stay there, but give me a couple of days, okay?”

Steve nodded, and reached out to gently put his hand on Tony’s shoulder. “Sure. Anything you need, Tony. Just let me know when you’re ready to meet him.” He didn’t turn to walk away then, and his eyes flicked down to Tony’s covered wrist for just a second, and that’s when Tony knew that Steve had to know. “You don’t have to talk about anything else right now if you don’t want to.”

Tony let out a soft sigh, and then gave Steve a grateful little smile. “Thanks.”

,,,

It felt like torture for James to know that he was so close to the person who could very well be his soulmate, but that he couldn’t actually see the man. He’d understood completely when Steve had relayed the request Tony had made to have a couple of days to get used to everything he’d just learned, but that didn’t stop it from feeling so torturous to James. He’d waited so long to meet his soulmate, and now he had to wait even longer.

It didn’t help that it felt just about impossible to actually get any sleep, since every time he closed his eyes, he was met with the sight of all kinds of horrible atrocities that he had committed. He didn’t want to wake up Steve, even though the blonde had told him that he should if he ever needed him, so James stumbled his way towards the communal kitchen that had been pointed out to him during the grand tour.

He hadn’t expected to see someone else in there, considering that it was almost three in the morning, but there was an unfamiliar head of curly brown hair, and lethargic movements as the person in there grabbed a canister of sugar and poured more than there should be physically enough space for into a mug, before pouring in a splash of coffee. Then he turned around to lean back against the counter as he gulped down the sickeningly sweet looking concoction, and James couldn’t help it when his eyes were drawn to the sight of the stretched back neck.

And then the person, who was obviously Tony Stark based on the pictures James had found online, seemed to notice him for the first time, and jerkily lowered the mug, splashing a bit of the liquid around the rim. He stared at James with wide eyes. “Uh…”

James didn’t try to walk any further into the room, not wanting to make Tony feel too crowded in his own face. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.” He didn’t want to make Tony feel too pressured, so he held out his metal hand instead of the flesh one with the initials on it. “I’m James.” Then he immediately wanted to smack himself in the face, because he was such a dumbass. Of course Tony already knew who he was.

Tony gave him a long, searching look, and James patiently remained perfectly still, like back when he’d used to collect stray cats, and needed them to to trust that they could approach him on their own. It felt like forever, but then Tony finally walked closer. Instead of shaking James’ hand, he gently grabbed at it, and began twisting and turning it around, looking thoroughly fascinated by it. James winced when it tugged awkwardly on his shoulder, and Tony immediately let go. James wanted to tell him that it was okay to keep looking, but Tony had a guilty look on his face. “Sorry. Um, are you okay with that thing, because I have a few ideas for a new one, if you’re interested.”

James’ eyes widened in surprise, and then he eagerly nodded. Not because he actually cared about getting a new arm, though that seemed like it would be a pleasant benefit, but because he saw it as a sign that Tony didn’t totally hate him, and was actually willing to spend some time with him. 

“Great, follow me.” James followed Tony down to the workshop, and found that he wasn’t bothered by the space, even though it was somewhat similar to the laboratory space Hydra had always poked and prodded at him in. But Tony kept up a continuous string of inane dialogue for James to focus on, and he was also a lot more gentle with James’ arm than the Hydra technicians had been. 

By the time James found himself settled on the couch with Tony having fallen asleep while in the middle of doing something, screwdriver still clutched loosely in his hand, James had already forgotten all about the nightmare that had woken him up.

,,,

Tony couldn’t keep the proud look off of his face as he showed off the newly finished arm. “Ta da!” Then James sat patiently still while Tony switched the arms, pausing in between to do some last minute repairs to the shoulder port to make sure that it wouldn’t put unnecessary strain on James’ real muscles. 

When they were finished, James quietly asked if Tony wanted to go out to lunch to celebrate. And despite how much money Tony had, he was never one to say no to free food, though he had no idea where James even had any money from and was too afraid to ask at this point. They split up so that they could both shower and get ready, and then met back on the elevator.

James ended up taking Tony to a nice little diner that they were both slightly overdressed for, but the atmosphere was friendly, and the food was good and cheap, and they both found themselves talking and laughing and having a good time. Afterwards, James offered out his metal hand so that they could hold hands as they wandered up and down the streets, enjoying the ambiance.

Tony was glad he was holding James’ metal hand, so that the way his palms were sweating from nerves wouldn’t be immediately obvious. His heart was pounding like crazy as he slowed to a stop, and then rolled up his sleeve so that he could pull off the mourning band. He still wore it out in public out of habit. He held up his arm, showing off the ‘JBB’ that was written there. “Do you wanna…?” He could think of a million reasons that James would never want to solidify their connection. Least of all because he was Tony Stark, of all people.

James sucked in a sharp gasp of air, and then held up his own arm, showing off the scarred up skin there, with the initials still stubbornly showing through. Tony frowned at the sight of the pain that James had had to suffer through because of him. James suddenly reached forward to cup the side of Tony’s face with his metal hand. “Yes, I want to,” he said softly.

Then they both reached out so that they could hold hands with the marked arms, and it felt like a little burst of warmth started flowing through Tony, and the look on James’ face showed that he was probably feeling the same wonderous thing. Tony grinned goofily at the feeling. “Thanks for finding me.”

“That’s my line, doll,” James said with a soft laugh. And then he leaned forward, while Tony arched his feet to raise himself up, and they met in the middle with a soft little kiss. 

As he pulled away, Tony refused to let go of James’ hand. “We’re past the point of no return now,” he whispered. “And I couldn’t be happier about it."


End file.
